My husband just returned from a mission trip to the Amazon River in Brazil. For 10 of the days, he had no phone access. That was the longest we have gone in 13 years without talking to one another. Through that process, I have learned a few things:
1. I am not as much a wimp as I thought I was. I have never lived alone. I had my parents, college roommates and then my husband. Actually, I have rarely spent a night alone. And, when I did, I would kind of panic. I would stay up until 2 am, listening for weird sounds and then fall asleep with my bedside lamp on. I was a weenie. But, 10 nights is a little long to stay at my parents', so I braved it. And, you know what? It wasn't too bad. Sure, I kept the kids in my room, checked all the closets before going to bed, and locked our door, but in the end, I actually kind of enjoyed it.
2. But I can be lazy, REALLY lazy. My husband is an exceptional man. He works really hard, he takes care of things around the house, and if I don't make any motion toward the kitchen by 5:30, he usually heads in there to cook dinner without complaining. I spend a lot of time being pretty unproductive at home. But, over the past 10 days, I have kept up with the laundry, kept the house picked up, and even watered the yard without forgetting. I let him pick up the slack around the house, because he will, but he really shouldn't have to.
3. On the other hand, cooking is NOT my passion. So, these 10 days have proven that, while I love to look at cookbooks and imagine gourmet meals, I am not a cook. I do not enjoy it; it is not my "go-to" hobby by any stretch of the imagination. I have managed to go 10 days without cooking anything more than a sandwich or frozen pizza. I may whip something up every once in a while when we have friends over, but Dinner Station is probably going to have to help with the rest.
4. Discipline is a beating. On a recent trip to Chick-fil-A, a friend and I were chatting while the kids played. A little boy comes out and says, "A little boy punched me in the face." His mom screamed out in horror, "Punched you?" I thought in horror, "There are only two little boys in there and one is mine." After a web of lies, we finally found out it was my Stars-Wars-crazed son taking his battles a bit too seriously. While he apologized and took his well-deserved punishment, I did not have the luxury of scaring him with "Wait until your dad comes home!" That made me think how difficult it would be to be the only one to maintain discipline in my home; eventually, they would figure out 99% of the time, I am winging it, and I would be toast.
5. Which leads me to realize, raising kids alone inhales profusely. I hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings because I want to just give a medal to all of those widowed, divorced or military moms who spend a great deal of time raising their children alone. It is exhausting, both physically and mentally. If you live close by and EVER need a break, drop your kids off at my place, any day or night, because it would be my privilege to give you a chance to relax.
6. Because I want to be like my friends and family who have shown me I'm not really alone. I am not one to ask for help, or even accept help when it is offered, but during the last few days, I have made a choice to just take other people's help. And it has been wonderful. My parents made me dinner for my anniversary (because Philip was gone), friends invited me to dinner at their house, Philip's parents treated me to a few days at their house, friends have watched my children, and even mowed our lawn. Allowing community to take hold has been one of the most satisfying parts of this process, and I was a better wife when he got home for it. THANK YOU!
7. So, now I understand that even the little things matter. Sometimes I feel I don't have much to give others, but an hour of time or a small treat can mean a great deal. I have a friend who is so intentional with her time that she put on her calendar the fact that Philip would be out of town. And then she called to see how she could help. I hope I will do that more, now that I know how nice it feels.
8. I could live without Philip. This is hard to write. I haven't really lost an immediate family member, so sometimes I can worry how you cope with that. Philip, who has lost someone close to him, always assures me that you just learn to move on, day by day. And, he's right. This is the first time in 13 years that I have not had a daily partner. It stunk at times. I cried at church the other night because I was tired and I missed him. But, I am confident the Lord would give me the grace and friends to see us through.
9. But, I don't want to.
So, I'm glad he's home, and I hope to complain a little less and enjoy a lot more!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Reminder at the Opening Ceremony
So, on Friday night, we got a wonderful, surprise visit from our nanny who watched the kids when we first moved to HV. She was such a bright spot in our lives for that year, and Kate was so amazed that she would come see her. We had a special time of homemade cookies, light saber shows and catching up.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
The Problem with Pity
Because of a sweet friend who watched my kids Friday morning, I got to spend a full hour in the Word at Starbucks with no interruptions. What a beautiful gift! We just joined a new homegroup at church, so lately my time in the Word has been following our church's introductory guide for homegroups. And what would be the topic of study today, on my "Hang-out-with-God" treat day? Gospel-Centered Service. In light of the last few weeks, and the specific prayers I have had, it was definitely a moment of, "Ah, so you're talking to me, God!" I read about Jesus washing the disciples' feet (even those of Judas) and one of the sweetest summaries of the Gospel there is, "For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake, he became poor, so that you, by his poverty, might become rich." (2 Corinthians 8:9) There is no question that Jesus was physically poor in the Bible. He had no place to lay his head (Luke 9:58). He and His disciples left any livelihood they had to share the Good News.
Everywhere we look there are people in need. Just last week, while visiting Dallas, there were panhandlers asking for spare change. There are those who have now been unemployed for years. There are single mothers trying to make ends meet. And, around the world, the poverty can be staggering. No sanitation, no education, no clean water, no rain. What appears to be no hope for change in the lives of billions of people. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed with pity. Merriam-Webster defines pity as the "sympathetic sorrow for one's suffering." When I see others in what appears to be insurmountable need, there is that feeling in the pit of my stomach that kind of makes it turn: pity. With pity comes shame at all we have and all we take for granted; and guilt at not being able to do more.
In an effort to understand the feeling, I looked up "pity" in my Bible's Concordance. I was surprised to find that there are only two verses in the Bible that use the word "pity", or some form thereof. In Psalm 90:13, a Psalm of lamenting, the author cries out to God for Him to have pity on His servants, to put an end to their suffering. The psalmist cried out to God--"Don't you at least see our pain? How long will we have to suffer?" Likewise, I feel pity when I see a problem that I don't have the time, resources or--to be completely honest--motivation to solve. Pity sees but does not take action, and in this inaction, creates guilt, overwhelm, doubt and insecurity that there is any hope to end a person's, or the world's, suffering.
Then, in what I think is one of the most honest verses of the Bible, Paul says, "If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied." (I Corinthians 15:19) Pity is a feeling that is associated with hopelessness and helplessness. Without Christ, pity reigns. There is no hope; there is no relief; there is no light in the darkness.
Everywhere we look there are people in need. Just last week, while visiting Dallas, there were panhandlers asking for spare change. There are those who have now been unemployed for years. There are single mothers trying to make ends meet. And, around the world, the poverty can be staggering. No sanitation, no education, no clean water, no rain. What appears to be no hope for change in the lives of billions of people. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed with pity. Merriam-Webster defines pity as the "sympathetic sorrow for one's suffering." When I see others in what appears to be insurmountable need, there is that feeling in the pit of my stomach that kind of makes it turn: pity. With pity comes shame at all we have and all we take for granted; and guilt at not being able to do more.
In an effort to understand the feeling, I looked up "pity" in my Bible's Concordance. I was surprised to find that there are only two verses in the Bible that use the word "pity", or some form thereof. In Psalm 90:13, a Psalm of lamenting, the author cries out to God for Him to have pity on His servants, to put an end to their suffering. The psalmist cried out to God--"Don't you at least see our pain? How long will we have to suffer?" Likewise, I feel pity when I see a problem that I don't have the time, resources or--to be completely honest--motivation to solve. Pity sees but does not take action, and in this inaction, creates guilt, overwhelm, doubt and insecurity that there is any hope to end a person's, or the world's, suffering.
Then, in what I think is one of the most honest verses of the Bible, Paul says, "If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied." (I Corinthians 15:19) Pity is a feeling that is associated with hopelessness and helplessness. Without Christ, pity reigns. There is no hope; there is no relief; there is no light in the darkness.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Geez! Lighten Up Already . . .
So, while I hope the last posts have been meaningful, I fear that I may soon sound like a Debbie Downer (if you have not seen one of the funniest moments on television, you can watch it here). Everyone is going about their perfectly happy day, and then they start blog reading, and it's suddenly death and despair. Please do not think I am IN ANY WAY downplaying the plight of those suffering in the world; we should all be thinking about it way more than we do. But, I love to laugh and find the humor in every situation. And after reading One Thousand Gifts this summer, I am trying to be more thankful of the blessings I already have. So, here is a list of the five things I am thankful for this summer (sorry, men, not sure if you will enjoy this; actually not sure if any men but my husband read the blog anyway):
Friday, July 13, 2012
Quick Update on Speed Bump . . .
I just wanted to let you know that I had a wonderful conversation with the adoption agency. We agreed that our concerns would probably not fit with adoption through an agency. She did assure me that the little boy we have been praying for will find a match for adoption certainly and quickly. That is wonderful; will be praying that he is adopted into a loving home and he will know the Lord at a very early age.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Timeline
July-August 2013: Before traveling, I had three prayers: (1) that I would get to meet JP's mother and that it would be a meeting in which God was glorified; (2) that I would understand the truth; and (3) that the Lord would provide a connection in the DRC, so I could know how things worked out and help if it became necessary. I knew that the mother was ill, and I knew that the extended family was not willing or able to care for JP. This created a great deal of worry for his well-being. The first two prayers were answered in country; the third was answered as we returned home. My private investigator was so moved by the investigation that she has kept in touch with the family. I never asked her to do so, nor have I made one inquiry, but she has taken the initiative to keep me up-to-date on the family. My replies must be vague: we continue to pray for the family. We can't promise that we will be able to move forward with an adoption, so the family needs to make the best decisions for JP, regardless. JP is currently still living with his mom. Her brother forced them to leave their home because he could not care for them, so they are now living with a cousin. The hearing that I thought was going to be a hearing about JP's well-being was actually a "slander" suit against the mother. An attorney in the area has agreed to defend her for free. At this time, the orphan and widow are being cared for by the Lord. I am so thankful for the ability to pray for them, as they walk through this season, and I am encouraged by the Lord's provision amidst a seemingly hopeless situation.
July 10, 2013: I left the DRC, unsure where anything would lead.
July 9, 2013: Today was the day that I was going to meet JP's mom. I think that actually deserves its own post: it was such a powerful moment. Because both parties (our in-country rep and the biological family) had begun to make allegations against one another, a civil suit had been filed on July 8. JP was returned to the family, at the family's request. So, we met--JP, his mother, his three uncles, my translator, my private investigator, and me. I learned one important thing at that meeting: mom willingly abandoned JP to an orphanage last July or August because she was too ill to care for him, but mom did not know he would be adopted. Once the family met me and knew he would live with someone responsible, they wanted him to be adopted. But, the ethical considerations were so gray--and the civil dispute and Embassy application so mired--that there was no way to move forward toward adoption as things stood. I went to my hotel and immediately withdrew my petition. The Lord, in His time, would have to reveal the next steps.
July 8, 2013: I met with the US Embassy and received a copy of the discharge and abandonment report in question. I met with our in-country representative and discovered that these documents included fingerprints, something that were not included on the black-and-white copies provided to the Embassy. It was my full intent to get a fingerprint expert and prove one way or the other what happened. Unfortunately, the fingerprints were pretty smeared on one of the documents, but there was at least one good print. I did not know where I would get a stamp pad in the DRC. Amazingly, I looked in my suitcase, and I had brought a few games in case things worked out (how naive I was at how complicated things had become). In one of those games was a stamp pad. Just a little encouragement from God.
July 6-7, 2013: I flew to DRC. I was petrified, traveling alone, but also grateful for the opportunity.
July 3, 2013: On July 3, I received a call from the Embassy. They were alleging some very serious allegations against those who placed JP into an orphanage, and subsequently, up for adoption. I initially emailed our reps and told them to return him to his mother (who I thought had abandoned him) immediately. Because the Congolese courts had officially put him into our care, this had to be done through a tribunal. When looking at the documents, it seemed that some information on the documents--mom's complete, accurate address and JP's proper, full name--did not completely match the story I was being told. I did not understand why someone involved in criminal activity would voluntarily include this information when "mother unknown" or a new name for our little guy would likely have sufficed. I woke up in the middle of the night, worried for JP and wanting to know the truth. The next morning, the representative for our organization said, "You need to go. You need to ask the questions, so that you can understand what happened."
June 2013: Our little boy attended the visa appointment on June 10. We expected to hear news within the next few days giving us the okay to go and make JP part of our family. We waited and waited. We heard on June 17 that the DRC would resume issuing exit letters. We purchased tickets for June 25, sure that the visa would be issued by then. On June 24, we emailed the Embassy, frantic. They replied to let us know not to come--they had reopened the investigation.
May 2013: Because a family (not affiliated with us or our organization or even our country, for that matter) completed an adoption that did not meet the criteria for adoption in the DRC, the Congo made an announcement that they would not issue exit letters until they came up with new procedures, essentially closing down adoptions. We continued to wait. We heard that another family in our group received a negative finding from the Embassy, so we grew worried amidst all of these issues. On May 29, we received an email from the Embassy stating that our field investigation was complete. The visa appointment was scheduled for June 10. We thought this was the news we had been waiting for.
April 2013: With the three-month mark coming up, we were growing more anxious and excited.
March 2013: In the meantime, it was our hope and prayer to raise enough funds that the children at the orphanage for which we raised money for beds and schools could have their own Bible. The money for each child to have a Bible was raised in about 48 hours. God is good!
February 2013: Because of the change in procedures, our Embassy binder--which had already been shipped to the DRC--could not be delivered by our in-country representative. I (and two other adoptive parents) traveled to DRC to drop our binders off at the Embassy. We delivered the binders on February 15. Our waiting period begins. I also got the privilege of seeing our little guy again.
January 2013: My school and Kate's school raised the money necessary to send 50 kids to school. What an incredible blessing! We gathered all of the documents for our Embassy binder, and at the end of the month, we requested an Embassy appointment. On January 31, the US Embassy announced that they were changing procedures. Visas would no longer be issued until the field investigation was completed, and the Embassy stated that would take three-to-six months.
December 2012: Received Adoption Decree. Waiting on other documents to say he is our little boy. Sent off information for passports, medical exam, exit letter and visa: the items we need to bring him home. Raising funds to send approximately 50 children to school through the sale of "School is Cool!" Bracelets. Adoption Act dated December 29, 2012. The adoption final in the DRC.
November 2012: Waiting game for adoption. In the meantime, raised funds to provide 20 bunk beds for an orphanage in the DRC. So exciting to see the Lord raise that money in about five weeks time.
October 2012: USCIS Fingerprinting Appointment. Visit to the DRC for our IR3 Visa. When we returned from the DRC, USCIS approval already received.
September 2012: WE HAVE A REFERRAL of a sweet little boy. We found out the agency with which we had question in June 2012 had some "issues" right during that time. Thank the Lord for discernment. USCIS Application in the mail. Dossier sent to the DRC.
August 2012: On the Road Again . . .this time, with an AWESOME organization!
July 2012: Put on the brakes. Waiting for God's direction in adoption.
July 10, 2013: I left the DRC, unsure where anything would lead.
July 9, 2013: Today was the day that I was going to meet JP's mom. I think that actually deserves its own post: it was such a powerful moment. Because both parties (our in-country rep and the biological family) had begun to make allegations against one another, a civil suit had been filed on July 8. JP was returned to the family, at the family's request. So, we met--JP, his mother, his three uncles, my translator, my private investigator, and me. I learned one important thing at that meeting: mom willingly abandoned JP to an orphanage last July or August because she was too ill to care for him, but mom did not know he would be adopted. Once the family met me and knew he would live with someone responsible, they wanted him to be adopted. But, the ethical considerations were so gray--and the civil dispute and Embassy application so mired--that there was no way to move forward toward adoption as things stood. I went to my hotel and immediately withdrew my petition. The Lord, in His time, would have to reveal the next steps.
July 8, 2013: I met with the US Embassy and received a copy of the discharge and abandonment report in question. I met with our in-country representative and discovered that these documents included fingerprints, something that were not included on the black-and-white copies provided to the Embassy. It was my full intent to get a fingerprint expert and prove one way or the other what happened. Unfortunately, the fingerprints were pretty smeared on one of the documents, but there was at least one good print. I did not know where I would get a stamp pad in the DRC. Amazingly, I looked in my suitcase, and I had brought a few games in case things worked out (how naive I was at how complicated things had become). In one of those games was a stamp pad. Just a little encouragement from God.
July 6-7, 2013: I flew to DRC. I was petrified, traveling alone, but also grateful for the opportunity.
July 3, 2013: On July 3, I received a call from the Embassy. They were alleging some very serious allegations against those who placed JP into an orphanage, and subsequently, up for adoption. I initially emailed our reps and told them to return him to his mother (who I thought had abandoned him) immediately. Because the Congolese courts had officially put him into our care, this had to be done through a tribunal. When looking at the documents, it seemed that some information on the documents--mom's complete, accurate address and JP's proper, full name--did not completely match the story I was being told. I did not understand why someone involved in criminal activity would voluntarily include this information when "mother unknown" or a new name for our little guy would likely have sufficed. I woke up in the middle of the night, worried for JP and wanting to know the truth. The next morning, the representative for our organization said, "You need to go. You need to ask the questions, so that you can understand what happened."
June 2013: Our little boy attended the visa appointment on June 10. We expected to hear news within the next few days giving us the okay to go and make JP part of our family. We waited and waited. We heard on June 17 that the DRC would resume issuing exit letters. We purchased tickets for June 25, sure that the visa would be issued by then. On June 24, we emailed the Embassy, frantic. They replied to let us know not to come--they had reopened the investigation.
May 2013: Because a family (not affiliated with us or our organization or even our country, for that matter) completed an adoption that did not meet the criteria for adoption in the DRC, the Congo made an announcement that they would not issue exit letters until they came up with new procedures, essentially closing down adoptions. We continued to wait. We heard that another family in our group received a negative finding from the Embassy, so we grew worried amidst all of these issues. On May 29, we received an email from the Embassy stating that our field investigation was complete. The visa appointment was scheduled for June 10. We thought this was the news we had been waiting for.
April 2013: With the three-month mark coming up, we were growing more anxious and excited.
March 2013: In the meantime, it was our hope and prayer to raise enough funds that the children at the orphanage for which we raised money for beds and schools could have their own Bible. The money for each child to have a Bible was raised in about 48 hours. God is good!
February 2013: Because of the change in procedures, our Embassy binder--which had already been shipped to the DRC--could not be delivered by our in-country representative. I (and two other adoptive parents) traveled to DRC to drop our binders off at the Embassy. We delivered the binders on February 15. Our waiting period begins. I also got the privilege of seeing our little guy again.
January 2013: My school and Kate's school raised the money necessary to send 50 kids to school. What an incredible blessing! We gathered all of the documents for our Embassy binder, and at the end of the month, we requested an Embassy appointment. On January 31, the US Embassy announced that they were changing procedures. Visas would no longer be issued until the field investigation was completed, and the Embassy stated that would take three-to-six months.
December 2012: Received Adoption Decree. Waiting on other documents to say he is our little boy. Sent off information for passports, medical exam, exit letter and visa: the items we need to bring him home. Raising funds to send approximately 50 children to school through the sale of "School is Cool!" Bracelets. Adoption Act dated December 29, 2012. The adoption final in the DRC.
November 2012: Waiting game for adoption. In the meantime, raised funds to provide 20 bunk beds for an orphanage in the DRC. So exciting to see the Lord raise that money in about five weeks time.
October 2012: USCIS Fingerprinting Appointment. Visit to the DRC for our IR3 Visa. When we returned from the DRC, USCIS approval already received.
September 2012: WE HAVE A REFERRAL of a sweet little boy. We found out the agency with which we had question in June 2012 had some "issues" right during that time. Thank the Lord for discernment. USCIS Application in the mail. Dossier sent to the DRC.
August 2012: On the Road Again . . .this time, with an AWESOME organization!
July 2012: Put on the brakes. Waiting for God's direction in adoption.
A Huge Speed Bump . . .
In continuing with the traffic metaphors used in other posts, we are at a speed bump, if not a stop sign.
The last few weeks have been disappointing at best. With high hopes of beginning the process to adopt the little boy mentioned in a previous blog, we quickly submitted our application, only to wait two weeks due to "unforeseen circumstances" in the agency's office. We finally received our approved application and contract--and after raising a few eyebrows over the fees--we had to ask some questions; unfortunately, those questions were never clearly answered. The Lord has closed the door on adoption from that agency, and there was really a bit of grieving for the little boy that never was. I believe I will pray for that little boy for many years to come. The Lord knows him, and the Lord hears our prayers. Thank you all for praying for him, and as your hearts are moved for the orphans of the world, maybe the fact that we know him and pray for him, will help shed a light (and hopefully, the Gospel) to his world.
On the same day that I expected to receive some answers from the agency, I received another email with different answers than I had hoped. To make a long story short, I learned of a group working on the ground in the DRC through a friend's blog. On a whim, I sent an email to them to see if anyone had opinions on international adoption in the DRC. The response was timely, and unfortunately, disappointing: Ethical adoption in the DRC--without a trusted contact on the ground--would be extremely difficult, if not "impossible", to achieve. He did end with a beautiful line, though: "I trust the Lord will grant you success as He is the God of impossible things."
We do not question that ethical adoptions occur, nor do we question that there are many people in the DRC putting the childrens' best interest first, but we do recognize our naivete (and even pride) in thinking that we can sign a contract and write a check and ensure a child would be better off with us than in his/her home country. And until we can be certain that our adoption would be in a child's best interest, we are going to have to put on the brakes.
We fully trust that the Lord has a plan in this journey. We are in contact with some amazing ministries in the DRC and look forward to working with them--either through adoption or through aid. We are checking with domestic agencies to ensure that there are not children available here who would be a good fit for our family. And we just learned of a ridiculously cool opportunity to grow a church in the Kenya slums (if you would like to know how you could make a HUGE impact on children's lives there and help share Christ, I would love to fill you in).
The last few weeks have been disappointing at best. With high hopes of beginning the process to adopt the little boy mentioned in a previous blog, we quickly submitted our application, only to wait two weeks due to "unforeseen circumstances" in the agency's office. We finally received our approved application and contract--and after raising a few eyebrows over the fees--we had to ask some questions; unfortunately, those questions were never clearly answered. The Lord has closed the door on adoption from that agency, and there was really a bit of grieving for the little boy that never was. I believe I will pray for that little boy for many years to come. The Lord knows him, and the Lord hears our prayers. Thank you all for praying for him, and as your hearts are moved for the orphans of the world, maybe the fact that we know him and pray for him, will help shed a light (and hopefully, the Gospel) to his world.
On the same day that I expected to receive some answers from the agency, I received another email with different answers than I had hoped. To make a long story short, I learned of a group working on the ground in the DRC through a friend's blog. On a whim, I sent an email to them to see if anyone had opinions on international adoption in the DRC. The response was timely, and unfortunately, disappointing: Ethical adoption in the DRC--without a trusted contact on the ground--would be extremely difficult, if not "impossible", to achieve. He did end with a beautiful line, though: "I trust the Lord will grant you success as He is the God of impossible things."
We do not question that ethical adoptions occur, nor do we question that there are many people in the DRC putting the childrens' best interest first, but we do recognize our naivete (and even pride) in thinking that we can sign a contract and write a check and ensure a child would be better off with us than in his/her home country. And until we can be certain that our adoption would be in a child's best interest, we are going to have to put on the brakes.
We fully trust that the Lord has a plan in this journey. We are in contact with some amazing ministries in the DRC and look forward to working with them--either through adoption or through aid. We are checking with domestic agencies to ensure that there are not children available here who would be a good fit for our family. And we just learned of a ridiculously cool opportunity to grow a church in the Kenya slums (if you would like to know how you could make a HUGE impact on children's lives there and help share Christ, I would love to fill you in).
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