The Downward Spiral of Doubt

Over the last few days, I have really struggled with doubt. The wait to hear what happened at the hearing has been excruciating.  It has definitely been my lowest point I have had since returning home.  No news to me equated to bad news.  And, the anguish over what bad news may mean for JP was almost unbearable.

Quickly, this doubt turned to anger.  I grew more and more angry at certain people for their actions in this process, and at the system itself, which has not allowed any easy solution to the problem JP and his family are now facing. I started to make bullet point lists of all that had been done to cause the current hopelessness of the situation, and it made me wring my hands and scream and sob.  I was just spitting mad.

Today, I thought, "I am done waiting.  I really just want to call it like I see it and tell each person who put their own interests above the interests of this little guy, "You stink! And you are the reason this has all happened. There, I hope you sleep well at night.' "

But, that gives them too much power.  Can man, even in his sinful ways, foil the plans of God? Acts 17 tells us differently:  "The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything.  And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him."  Countless examples in the Bible show God's ability to use man's sin for His own purposes.

As I think through the character and nature of God, I recognize my anger for what it is: a lack of trust in God's sovereignty in this situation and a lack of faith in the goodness of His plan.   My anger is my attempt to control the situation and to take back some say in its outcome.  It is my attempt to wrongfully place myself as a key player in this scenario, when I am just a vessel.  And, sadly, it is my attempt to tell God that I can handle this better than He can.    

So, I am confessing my sin of anger, along with all the other sins that have reared their ugly heads during this process--shame and pride and doubt and 'you name it'.  I do not at all pretend to be settled. One second, I am at peace, and another I am not, and I just have to dust off and turn it all back to God over and over and over again.

Today's devotional in Jesus Calling really spoke to me.  It read, "Relax in my healing, holy Presence.  Allow Me to transform you through this time alone with Me. As your thoughts center more and more on Me, trust displaces fear and worry.  Your mind is somewhat like a seesaw.  As your trust in Me goes up, fear and worry automatically go down.  Time spent with Me not only increases your trust; it also helps you discern what is important and what is not."

I have to remember who He is and who I am in Him.  Tonight, I saw his character in the song below, and for a brief moment, I was encouraged.  Praying for new mercies each day and a compassion that never fails.


Great is Thy faithfulness,” O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

“Great is Thy faithfulness!” “Great is Thy faithfulness!“
 Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
“Great is Thy faithfulness,” Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!


Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/h/19#ixzz2bcos4NeM