Her name was Loretta Hermann. She was a slight woman, with short, black hair and a high-pitched voice. We were a group of fourth graders, forced to spend every Wednesday night in Confirmation classes. While she tried to instill in us the Ten Commandments and the Apostles' Creed, we could be found climbing above and below the tables, giggling with our friends. If another church member had come in during these meetings--especially one of the elders--I am certain that we would have been sitting in our seats, the recipients of one strong, communal scolding, wearing those long faces that come early and stay long after, when we got home and our parents got ahold of us. But that didn't happen. And so, sweet Ms. Hermann did what many teachers often do amidst chaos: she begged us to Listen, Please!; she tried to make things as entertaining as possible through what I am sure was pretty comedic singing and dancing; and then, sometimes, she simply gave up, probably going home at night to wonder if any of her time spent with our group of hooligans was worth it.
Fourth grade Confirmation classes were all about memorization. It wasn't until the sixth or seventh grade, right before we were confirmed, that we started thinking and questioning and discerning. But, as nine- and ten-year olds, it was our job to have some knowledge of the Bible and the Christian faith etched into our minds. We memorized a ton that year, and I can say that I still use the New Testament song I learned to find obscure books, so that I don't look like an idiot flipping back and forth through the pages. It has made me look smarter than the next guy often.
Most of the curriculum that year was probably quite scripted. There were things we were expected to know. But, I remember one thing we learned because it was near and dear to Ms. Hermann's heart: the 23rd Psalm. I remember sitting in front of her and reciting it, verse by verse, week after week. Like most people who grew up in church, I am certain that John 3:16 was the first piece of Scripture that I ever learned. But, the 23rd Psalm had to have been the second.
Honestly, I had kind of forgotten about Ms. Hermann and that Confirmation class. In my mid-twenties, I had reached the height of my career dreams, and I did not "want" for anything, Yet, I was miserable. I had become a mother, and suddenly, the aspirations I once had no longer held their value. And while I worked at a wonderful place, with very kind people, I could not let go of the internal conflict inside me: how do I let go of the time and effort I have spent reaching these goals, and at the same time, how do I commit so much to my work when I just want to be home? I remember driving to work many mornings with tears streaming down my face. And, one of those mornings, the Word in my heart--placed there by the work of Loretta Hermann in my fourth grade Confirmation class--rose up inside me. I started to recite the 23rd Psalm: "Lord, you are my Shepherd; I shall not want." After that day, I recited the 23rd Psalm continuously on my way to work. And through that Scripture, I found the peace and strength to continue until we had our second child, and I could stay home.
Now, ten years later, that same chapter has given me indescribable comfort. While I am out of control, I can pray that chapter over J.P. and know that God is in control. When I am anxious, I can speak aloud and gain peace. When I am powerless, I can be reminded that God is powerful yesterday, today, and forever. If these promises are true, what have we to fear?
Lord, you are J.P.'s shepherd,
He shall not want.
You make him to lie down in green pastures
You lead him beside still waters
You restore his soul
You lead him in path of righteousness for Your name's sake
Yea, though he walk through the valley of the shadow of darkness
He will not fear evil, for You are with him
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort him
You prepare a table before him in the presence of his enemies
You anoint his head with oil, his cup overflows
Surely, goodness and mercy will follow him all the days of his life
And he will dwell in the house of the Lord forever
As I prepare to head back to school, I am encouraged by the example of Loretta Hermann. I am sure she thought she was speaking into air, but she wasn't. She was speaking Truth into my young heart, and that Truth has sustained me time and again. When she forced me to memorize that chapter 25 years ago, I probably didn't want to. I probably thought she was a bit "kooky". In fact, I may have even called her "kooky" under my breath, while giggling to my friends under the table. But, because she never gave up, because she approached her mission with such passion, most of us obliged her "kooky" requests. And, that dedication is now fruit in the next generation.
As an educator in the public schools, I won't be teaching my students Scripture. But I can still love them fervently, even when I want to squeeze their little heads or go home and cry (I promise I have only ever gone home and cried, except for the one time I actually cried at school). I can find those truths about life and character-building and hard work and respect that are meaningful and hold fast to them even if I look a bit "kooky". And, I can try to remember that those little, awkward people who don't want to listen to me will one day be smart, refined citizens of the world who need a strong character and a little truth to fall back on when life gets tough.
I do not know if she has gone to be with the Lord yet; I would guess that she was close to sixty when she taught our class. But, she will one day come into His presence, and while I am no Judge, I think He will have found her faithful. And, I too look forward to seeing her there one day, two "kooky" teachers together, who get to share in the privilege and delight of dwelling in the house of the Lord forever.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Saturday, August 10, 2013
The Downward Spiral of Doubt
Over the last few days, I have really struggled with doubt. The wait to hear what happened at the hearing has been excruciating. It has definitely been my lowest point I have had since returning home. No news to me equated to bad news. And, the anguish over what bad news may mean for JP was almost unbearable.
Quickly, this doubt turned to anger. I grew more and more angry at certain people for their actions in this process, and at the system itself, which has not allowed any easy solution to the problem JP and his family are now facing. I started to make bullet point lists of all that had been done to cause the current hopelessness of the situation, and it made me wring my hands and scream and sob. I was just spitting mad.
Today, I thought, "I am done waiting. I really just want to call it like I see it and tell each person who put their own interests above the interests of this little guy, "You stink! And you are the reason this has all happened. There, I hope you sleep well at night.' "
But, that gives them too much power. Can man, even in his sinful ways, foil the plans of God? Acts 17 tells us differently: "The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything. And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him." Countless examples in the Bible show God's ability to use man's sin for His own purposes.
As I think through the character and nature of God, I recognize my anger for what it is: a lack of trust in God's sovereignty in this situation and a lack of faith in the goodness of His plan. My anger is my attempt to control the situation and to take back some say in its outcome. It is my attempt to wrongfully place myself as a key player in this scenario, when I am just a vessel. And, sadly, it is my attempt to tell God that I can handle this better than He can.
So, I am confessing my sin of anger, along with all the other sins that have reared their ugly heads during this process--shame and pride and doubt and 'you name it'. I do not at all pretend to be settled. One second, I am at peace, and another I am not, and I just have to dust off and turn it all back to God over and over and over again.
Today's devotional in Jesus Calling really spoke to me. It read, "Relax in my healing, holy Presence. Allow Me to transform you through this time alone with Me. As your thoughts center more and more on Me, trust displaces fear and worry. Your mind is somewhat like a seesaw. As your trust in Me goes up, fear and worry automatically go down. Time spent with Me not only increases your trust; it also helps you discern what is important and what is not."
I have to remember who He is and who I am in Him. Tonight, I saw his character in the song below, and for a brief moment, I was encouraged. Praying for new mercies each day and a compassion that never fails.
Great is Thy faithfulness,” O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.
“Great is Thy faithfulness!” “Great is Thy faithfulness!“
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
“Great is Thy faithfulness,” Lord, unto me!
Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/h/19#ixzz2bcos4NeM
Quickly, this doubt turned to anger. I grew more and more angry at certain people for their actions in this process, and at the system itself, which has not allowed any easy solution to the problem JP and his family are now facing. I started to make bullet point lists of all that had been done to cause the current hopelessness of the situation, and it made me wring my hands and scream and sob. I was just spitting mad.
Today, I thought, "I am done waiting. I really just want to call it like I see it and tell each person who put their own interests above the interests of this little guy, "You stink! And you are the reason this has all happened. There, I hope you sleep well at night.' "
But, that gives them too much power. Can man, even in his sinful ways, foil the plans of God? Acts 17 tells us differently: "The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything. And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him." Countless examples in the Bible show God's ability to use man's sin for His own purposes.
As I think through the character and nature of God, I recognize my anger for what it is: a lack of trust in God's sovereignty in this situation and a lack of faith in the goodness of His plan. My anger is my attempt to control the situation and to take back some say in its outcome. It is my attempt to wrongfully place myself as a key player in this scenario, when I am just a vessel. And, sadly, it is my attempt to tell God that I can handle this better than He can.
So, I am confessing my sin of anger, along with all the other sins that have reared their ugly heads during this process--shame and pride and doubt and 'you name it'. I do not at all pretend to be settled. One second, I am at peace, and another I am not, and I just have to dust off and turn it all back to God over and over and over again.
Today's devotional in Jesus Calling really spoke to me. It read, "Relax in my healing, holy Presence. Allow Me to transform you through this time alone with Me. As your thoughts center more and more on Me, trust displaces fear and worry. Your mind is somewhat like a seesaw. As your trust in Me goes up, fear and worry automatically go down. Time spent with Me not only increases your trust; it also helps you discern what is important and what is not."
I have to remember who He is and who I am in Him. Tonight, I saw his character in the song below, and for a brief moment, I was encouraged. Praying for new mercies each day and a compassion that never fails.
Great is Thy faithfulness,” O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.
“Great is Thy faithfulness!” “Great is Thy faithfulness!“
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
“Great is Thy faithfulness,” Lord, unto me!
Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/h/19#ixzz2bcos4NeM
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Out of Our Hands . . .And Into His
The last few weeks have been strangely quiet. We got the privilege of taking a family trip to Colorado, where we did not check email or answer our phone for at least seven days. That was a wonderful gift: to reconnect as a family and find some calm, and honestly, disconnect from the situation here.
There is very little to do, and for me, that creates some anxiety. But, amidst the lack of control and certainty, I have been led time and again to the Lord. Over the past few weeks, the Lord and a few sweet friends (and one very wise woman) have taught me that I will never have peace over this unless I turn it all to the Lord, unless I lay all my desires and assumptions down for His will to be done, unless I believe that He is only good and will do only good in this and in all things. And, I have gained an increasing calm to pray for God to take this out of our hands--where our imperfect hearts and "wisdom" cannot sour His plan for JP's life.
When I checked email again last weekend, I saw those exact words from our facilitator: "It is out of our hands." And, while that may seem unsettling at first, it actually brought peace. I can know that we have been JP's advocate to the extent that we are able. I can know that our idea of what life should look like will not take the place of God's plans for JP's life. I can know that we acted above reproach in our respect for the process, for the Congolese, and for JP's family.
And I can rest in the plans of the Creator, the Savior, the Author and Perfector of all things.
Next week, there will be a hearing in the DRC to determine JP's future. We have very little, if any, opportunity for input, as we are not Congolese and have no jurisdiction or rights under their laws. We are okay with that: this is an issue that should be handled there.
Right now, it appears that several scenarios could unfold. First, JP's mom could say that she wants JP to stay with her. If she is able and willing, we welcome that decision. If JP's mom, however, states that she does not want JP to stay with her, he will most likely be sent to an orphanage. Without some input on our part, it is likely that he will be sent to an orphanage where we can have no contact and we lose the ability to help him. Therefore, if it is decided he should go to an orphanage, we hope to be able to suggest a place that we know is safe, where we can support him, and have time to make wise decisions for his future.
I send this for the sole purpose of asking prayer. Please do not get me wrong. We are human. We are still grieving the loss of what we'd hope would be. We desperately do not want him to go to an orphanage where we cannot help ensure his care. But, over the last few weeks, I have been continuously convicted that the anxiety I feel because I cannot "save" JP from his circumstances is sinful. I cannot save him in any way, even if he were to live here: only Christ can, and I believe, He will. Therefore, it is my hope that we only pray those things that are clearly biblical:
I ran across Psalm 90 today. It gave me such peace, and I have included it here below. If you choose to read it, please go to the end--as there are some tough verses in the middle that only make sense in light of the entire chapter. God's blessings to you all. We are so grateful for you.
Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations.
Before the mountains were brought forth,
or ever you had formed the earth and the world,
from everlasting to everlasting you are God.
You return man to dust and say, "Return, O Children of man!"
For a thousand years in your sight
are but as yesterday when it is past,
or as a watch in the night.
You sweep them away as with a flood; they are like a dream,
like grass that is renewed in the morning;
In the morning it flourishes and is renewed.
In the evening it fades and withers.
For we are brought to an end by your anger;
by your wrath, we are dismayed.
You have set our iniquities before you,
our secret sins in the light of your presence.
For all our days pass away under your wrath;
we bring our years to an end like a sigh.
The years of our life are seventy,
or even by reason of strength eighty;
yet their span is but toil and trouble;
they are soon gone, and we fly away.
Who considers the power of your anger,
and your wrath according to the fear of you?
So teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.
Return, O Lord! How long?
Have pity on your servants!
Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
and for as many years as we have seen evil.
Let your work be shown to your servants,
and your glorious power to their children.
Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,
and establish the work of our hands upon us;
yes, establish the work of our hands.
There is very little to do, and for me, that creates some anxiety. But, amidst the lack of control and certainty, I have been led time and again to the Lord. Over the past few weeks, the Lord and a few sweet friends (and one very wise woman) have taught me that I will never have peace over this unless I turn it all to the Lord, unless I lay all my desires and assumptions down for His will to be done, unless I believe that He is only good and will do only good in this and in all things. And, I have gained an increasing calm to pray for God to take this out of our hands--where our imperfect hearts and "wisdom" cannot sour His plan for JP's life.
When I checked email again last weekend, I saw those exact words from our facilitator: "It is out of our hands." And, while that may seem unsettling at first, it actually brought peace. I can know that we have been JP's advocate to the extent that we are able. I can know that our idea of what life should look like will not take the place of God's plans for JP's life. I can know that we acted above reproach in our respect for the process, for the Congolese, and for JP's family.
And I can rest in the plans of the Creator, the Savior, the Author and Perfector of all things.
Next week, there will be a hearing in the DRC to determine JP's future. We have very little, if any, opportunity for input, as we are not Congolese and have no jurisdiction or rights under their laws. We are okay with that: this is an issue that should be handled there.
Right now, it appears that several scenarios could unfold. First, JP's mom could say that she wants JP to stay with her. If she is able and willing, we welcome that decision. If JP's mom, however, states that she does not want JP to stay with her, he will most likely be sent to an orphanage. Without some input on our part, it is likely that he will be sent to an orphanage where we can have no contact and we lose the ability to help him. Therefore, if it is decided he should go to an orphanage, we hope to be able to suggest a place that we know is safe, where we can support him, and have time to make wise decisions for his future.
I send this for the sole purpose of asking prayer. Please do not get me wrong. We are human. We are still grieving the loss of what we'd hope would be. We desperately do not want him to go to an orphanage where we cannot help ensure his care. But, over the last few weeks, I have been continuously convicted that the anxiety I feel because I cannot "save" JP from his circumstances is sinful. I cannot save him in any way, even if he were to live here: only Christ can, and I believe, He will. Therefore, it is my hope that we only pray those things that are clearly biblical:
- First, I pray that the fatherless and widow are advocated for in the hearing. That there is not a hint of injustice, and that both JP and his mom's best interests are honored.
- Second, I pray that JP's future home would be a place where He is raised in the fear and wonder of the Lord. I pray that JP would know Him deeply, that he would see God amidst these trials in His life, and that he would spend his days in the embrace of the only Father who can really be his refuge.
I ran across Psalm 90 today. It gave me such peace, and I have included it here below. If you choose to read it, please go to the end--as there are some tough verses in the middle that only make sense in light of the entire chapter. God's blessings to you all. We are so grateful for you.
Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations.
Before the mountains were brought forth,
or ever you had formed the earth and the world,
from everlasting to everlasting you are God.
You return man to dust and say, "Return, O Children of man!"
For a thousand years in your sight
are but as yesterday when it is past,
or as a watch in the night.
You sweep them away as with a flood; they are like a dream,
like grass that is renewed in the morning;
In the morning it flourishes and is renewed.
In the evening it fades and withers.
For we are brought to an end by your anger;
by your wrath, we are dismayed.
You have set our iniquities before you,
our secret sins in the light of your presence.
For all our days pass away under your wrath;
we bring our years to an end like a sigh.
The years of our life are seventy,
or even by reason of strength eighty;
yet their span is but toil and trouble;
they are soon gone, and we fly away.
Who considers the power of your anger,
and your wrath according to the fear of you?
So teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.
Return, O Lord! How long?
Have pity on your servants!
Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
and for as many years as we have seen evil.
Let your work be shown to your servants,
and your glorious power to their children.
Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,
and establish the work of our hands upon us;
yes, establish the work of our hands.
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