I have been trying to read Jeremiah this summer. It has held some beautiful truths for my spirit. I have read Jeremiah before, but I obviously missed the point. I was much younger then and know I saw the world through a different lens than I do now. I love that about the Bible; it speaks to us in all of our life experiences, and it "reads" differently to our soul as we journey. It is not just a story, but a book that speaks to our hearts, a gift from our Savior.
So, yesterday, I started reading chapter 32. It was titled Jeremiah Buys a Field During the Siege. "Wow! That sounds interesting." And, I didn't really mean that. Jeremiah ranting about the sins of God's children, Israel: Jeremiah giving amazing and scary images of God's wrath: Jeremiah standing up to those who would oppose him and bear false witness. Those were exciting chapters. But, Jeremiah buys a field? I was pretty much preparing for a snoozer.
Then, I started reading (and I hope I get the history right). God's warnings were coming true. Jerusalem was about to be overtaken by Babylon. Exile from Jerusalem for God's people was imminent. They were about to get what they deserved by continuing to ignore their Maker. And, then Jeremiah hears a word from the Lord: Go and buy a field. That seems unreasonable. A waste of money. Why would you buy a field when the enemy was set to overtake you, when you may never see the fruit of this work?
And, the Bible does not ignore Jeremiah's reservations. God sends a "sign" to Jeremiah: one of his cousins shows up and tells him he is giving him the right to buy his field. He stands in front of witnesses and all of the Judeans and makes the purchase, at God's command, knowing that many of them likely question his sanity. And, after he followed through with God's command, he prayed to the Lord for clarity, saying "Nothing is too hard for you", but really God? This doesn't make sense to me (italics are my made-up symbol for a paraphrase).
The Lord's response is beautiful. It starts by saying, "Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?" He continues to recount Israel's disobedience and need for discipline. But, then he changes. He promises that once the time of exile is over, he will restore them. God says, "I will bring them back to this place, and I will make them dwell in safety. And they shall by my people, and I will be their God." And, his beautiful promises continue through several more chapters. A story of love and relationship that comes from seeing God sustain.
I don't want to intimate in any way that we are like Jeremiah. He is a prophet, prepared for a special time in the making of God's beautiful story of wrath and redemption, that culminates at the coming of Christ. But, this season has made me understand a bit more clearly how Jeremiah must have felt buying a field that seemingly had no value.
There is a great deal of discussion about ethics in adoption in the DRC. Our case, along with other cases, is tied up in lengthy investigations that often raise more question marks than answers. We have showers, make flights, pack suitcases--only to be stalled for months. And, we (meaning, I) have chosen to go through this process publicly, because I honestly make sense of things by writing and because I like to be social. And, because somewhere amidst all of those selfish emotions, I hope God get the glory in our story. (my husband honestly just suffers through this public display because he loves me)
This chapter illuminated for me one emotion I have not fully tapped: that of doing something, seemingly foolish, in front of a group of witnesses, who honestly are the people I care most about. When we have been disappointed, and surprised, and overwhelmed, I feel the weight of that. But, I have also noticed another emotion creeping up that colors my perspective more than I would like: shame. What if we go through this whole thing and end up looking stupid, duped, naive?
Shame is not from God, though. Shame is a lack of trust in God. At the beginning of this journey, a friend who has gone through adoption told me that God will be working behind the scenes in ways I could never understand until I see them play out. I am starting to see small glimpses of that, where what I first expected to be the case is not the case at all. Where the Lord planted a desire in my heart, and it is coming to fruition, but never how I had once imagined. Where first I had to step out in what seemed like ignorant and blind obedience to see Him. Where there is lots of pain before the promise.
In the Lord's beautiful response to Jeremiah, he says, "I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear me forever, for their own good and the good of their children after them. I will make with them an everlasting covenant, that I will not turn away from doing good to them. And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me. I will rejoice in doing them good., and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and all my soul."
Oh, the promises of God for those who love Him, for those who suffer His discipline in restoration, for those who step out in obedience, even at the cost of appearing a fool. I cling to them. They're really all I've got. Shame cannot stand if we truly believe in God's promises. So, where I do not believe them, I confess my weakness, and I ask the Lord to plant me in the land of His faithfulness.
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