While we wait to hear news of the Embassy investigation, and with the possibility of a failed adoption looming before us, this is an honest question that I have asked. And, I haven't asked it for us. If the adoption fails for the Bell family, we will be really sad and really disappointed (my kids maybe even more than I will never know). But, we will recover. What keeps me up at night is this question: If the adoption fails for JP, how could that be a win? I really wrestle with that question, in light of the poverty and lack of education and absence of a family he would face.
First, I know in my heart and mind that two things are true:
1. God is good, in ALL things. I know that; I believe that; but, I can't always wrap my brain around that.
2. I don't have a right to question the Creator and Sustainer of the world. I, as mere clay, don't really get to shake my finger at the Potter and say, "You aren't fair!"
But, I do. And countless believers have done the same in light of what they see as failures by God. Is that sinful? Certainly. Is that beyond the grip of God's grace, steadfast love and understanding? No way.
So, I was at dinner with a dear, sweet friend two weeks ago. She is in her own journey in the adoption story, and she is just a great listener and supporter. When talking about the chance that this whole thing could fail, I told her, "You know, I am going to be honest. I am going to really struggle with the fact that this is good. I mean, what is good about a kid being left in poverty, without hope?" She smiled. She reminded me that God works in all circumstances. She knew she wouldn't convince me that day. She has seen God convince me of many things over time.
What it took me two weeks to realize is that she also knows God well enough in the midst of what we define as "failure" to know how faithful He will be. She has suffered some of the greatest "failures" we can imagine. An elementary student, she was the oldest of three children who lost their mother to breast cancer. She cried out to God, she prayed, and at the time, it appeared He failed. Later, after only one year of marriage, she suffered a horrible virus that attacked her heart and nearly killed her. One year later, she learned that--while her healing was miraculous--her heart would never be strong enough for her to have children of her own. Another deeply painful failure that could have tested her marriage and her faith.
That has resonated this week. Not because God fixed everything, but because he used what was "broken". What a beautiful--and thoughtful--and successful servant she has become. She is a happily married wife of 10 years. She is a great mother to a beautiful boy she and her husband adopted two years ago. She helps women at a pregnancy resource center who feel they are in the midst of a huge "failure". And, she is a really good friend.
If the adoption fails, not only will it create an ache for JP's well-being that I am not sure will go away, it will create a noticeable void in in the third-row of the van we bought for his arrival and in the top bunk of the bed waiting for him. Not to mention our hearts. It will force us to think deeply about how we care for and love a little boy a continent away. It will force us to reevaluate what is "good" in the world and what are we doing to help all of the children suffering without hope.
It won't be an easy fix, but failure never is. Those who have lost marriages, sons and daughters, dreams of having children or growing old with their spouse, feel the ramifications for a really long time (some would say it never fully goes away).
People aren't easy fixes either. And whether we love him up close or from afar, JP will need healing from the "failure" that currently surrounds him: a failed system that creates failed families. Really, our world is full of things that are not as they should be.
So, I have to rest in that. And I have to look to the people I know who have suffered great loss--who know the Lord--and the good that has come out of that. And, I have to be okay with being out of control. With loving someone I may not be able to help. With trusting God even when something totally stinks. I have to believe His promise applies to me, "The Lord works out all things for the good of those who love Him."
And, I have to pray heartily for JP's soul, as only God saves.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
To What Then Have We Been Called . . .
So, if you look at the timing of our adoption, it would seem to be we got the short end of the stick. Based on years of past practice, our little guy should have been home by Spring Break. We have friends through adoption that were about three weeks ahead of us in the fall; they have had their kiddos home for 4 months. We were literally requesting our Embassy appointment when the announcement came down--this is going to take longer.
Through the last three months, we have learned what longer means.
It means the Embassy is doing everything it can to ensure, when we walk our little guy out of that orphanage to bring him home, he is truly an orphan. And that is important.
It also means other mishaps can happen in the wait. In a place like the DRC, restructuring is common. Illness and strife are common. For the Congolese, waiting is a way of life. They take it with beauty and stride. But, for an American working in the Congo, it brings stress and uncertainty to which we are not accustomed.
Finally, it means this whole thing could fail. As we wait, as the Embassy investigates, we may hear that we can't bring JP home. Lots of factors--health, national stability, family dynamics--could come into play that affect our ability to adopt, issues I never would have thought would happen to us last September when we first saw his picture.
There has been a great deal of discussion about adoption ethics over the past few months. As I go through the emotions of the uncertainty in the midst of this discussion, I must constantly check my heart. Despite all of the chatter, the thing that touched me the most was a comment to a recent blog post that said, "Maybe you weren't called to the adoption destination but to the adoption journey."
At this point, we desperately want to the destination to arrive. But, I cannot express what we have learned in the past year. And, I don't want to miss what the adoption journey--frustration, excitement, and possibly even grief--has taught me about myself, my marriage, and my God. Not to mention the gift I have been given to see Africa in a real and heartbreaking and awe-inspiring way.
He does not call us to use our wisdom, might or money to make all things new. He does that. He just calls us to be obedient in the moment and to meet Him in the Journey.
"Thus says the Lord, 'Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord." Jeremiah 9:23-24
Blessings to each of you as you travel . . . may you find His steadfast love in the journey.
Through the last three months, we have learned what longer means.
It means the Embassy is doing everything it can to ensure, when we walk our little guy out of that orphanage to bring him home, he is truly an orphan. And that is important.
It also means other mishaps can happen in the wait. In a place like the DRC, restructuring is common. Illness and strife are common. For the Congolese, waiting is a way of life. They take it with beauty and stride. But, for an American working in the Congo, it brings stress and uncertainty to which we are not accustomed.
Finally, it means this whole thing could fail. As we wait, as the Embassy investigates, we may hear that we can't bring JP home. Lots of factors--health, national stability, family dynamics--could come into play that affect our ability to adopt, issues I never would have thought would happen to us last September when we first saw his picture.
There has been a great deal of discussion about adoption ethics over the past few months. As I go through the emotions of the uncertainty in the midst of this discussion, I must constantly check my heart. Despite all of the chatter, the thing that touched me the most was a comment to a recent blog post that said, "Maybe you weren't called to the adoption destination but to the adoption journey."
At this point, we desperately want to the destination to arrive. But, I cannot express what we have learned in the past year. And, I don't want to miss what the adoption journey--frustration, excitement, and possibly even grief--has taught me about myself, my marriage, and my God. Not to mention the gift I have been given to see Africa in a real and heartbreaking and awe-inspiring way.
He does not call us to use our wisdom, might or money to make all things new. He does that. He just calls us to be obedient in the moment and to meet Him in the Journey.
"Thus says the Lord, 'Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord." Jeremiah 9:23-24
Blessings to each of you as you travel . . . may you find His steadfast love in the journey.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
A Dry Patch . . .
So, Saturday marks eleven weeks from when I last saw JP. I held him in my lap to take a smiling picture. I rocked him while he said "Mayi", and when I realized he was not calling me "Mama" but begging for water, watched him gulp mine quickly. I heard him repeat the abc's to me, in his signature whisper when speaking to an adult. And I stared into his eyes as he offered my pen back to me, asking me to show him how to hold it to write again. Next Friday will be three months--the time when the US Embassy said they may be ready to let us know the investigation is complete.
I am beyond ready to have him home. I know everyone who has walked this journey with us is ready to meet him, too. Unfortunately, we may have to wait a bit longer. Earlier today we learned that the Congolese government is halting adoptions to investigate one they feel may have run contrary to Congolese law. They do not plan to issue any exit letters until the investigation is complete. Given the nature of schedules and timelines in the DRC, we do not know how long that could take.
Part of me wants to scream from the top of my lungs. Part of me wants to get really angry at whoever messed up and slowed down this process for these waiting children. Part of me wants to call someone (who knows who that would be at this point) and say, "Are you kidding? There is a little boy who was abandoned that is sitting in an orphanage, and we told him we would come back for him!"
But, there is another part of me that is just empty. That part is emotionally tired and wrung out and just, honestly, pretty faithless.
And, I know we put ourselves in this arena--unlike some friends who have fought long journeys with the loss of a loved one or illness who never "signed" up for it. And I know we have not waited as long as many other families who have gone the course of infertility and adoption and endless waiting.
But, we all have seasons where we just run dry.
On this day of frustration and overwhelm, I am hopeful at the news of my sweetest friend who just learned she no longer has cancer--a testament of God's goodness--and I am reminded of the message at our church's women's conference a few years ago, where our pastor's wife, Lauren Chandler, spoke from Psalms 107:
Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever!
Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,
whom he has redeemed from trouble.
and gathered in from the lands,
from the east and from the west,
from the north and from the south.
Some wandered in desert wastes,
finding no way to a city to dwell in;
hungry and thirsty,
their soul fainted within them.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He led them by a straight way
till they reached a city to dwell in.
Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!
For he satisfies the long soul,
and the hungry soul he fills with good things.
May the Lord "wring the worship from us" in this season where we are utterly and completely out of control. May the Lord protect JP's mind, body and spirit as he waits. He is good and He does good in all things!
I am beyond ready to have him home. I know everyone who has walked this journey with us is ready to meet him, too. Unfortunately, we may have to wait a bit longer. Earlier today we learned that the Congolese government is halting adoptions to investigate one they feel may have run contrary to Congolese law. They do not plan to issue any exit letters until the investigation is complete. Given the nature of schedules and timelines in the DRC, we do not know how long that could take.
Part of me wants to scream from the top of my lungs. Part of me wants to get really angry at whoever messed up and slowed down this process for these waiting children. Part of me wants to call someone (who knows who that would be at this point) and say, "Are you kidding? There is a little boy who was abandoned that is sitting in an orphanage, and we told him we would come back for him!"
But, there is another part of me that is just empty. That part is emotionally tired and wrung out and just, honestly, pretty faithless.
And, I know we put ourselves in this arena--unlike some friends who have fought long journeys with the loss of a loved one or illness who never "signed" up for it. And I know we have not waited as long as many other families who have gone the course of infertility and adoption and endless waiting.
But, we all have seasons where we just run dry.
On this day of frustration and overwhelm, I am hopeful at the news of my sweetest friend who just learned she no longer has cancer--a testament of God's goodness--and I am reminded of the message at our church's women's conference a few years ago, where our pastor's wife, Lauren Chandler, spoke from Psalms 107:
Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever!
Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,
whom he has redeemed from trouble.
and gathered in from the lands,
from the east and from the west,
from the north and from the south.
Some wandered in desert wastes,
finding no way to a city to dwell in;
hungry and thirsty,
their soul fainted within them.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He led them by a straight way
till they reached a city to dwell in.
Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!
For he satisfies the long soul,
and the hungry soul he fills with good things.
May the Lord "wring the worship from us" in this season where we are utterly and completely out of control. May the Lord protect JP's mind, body and spirit as he waits. He is good and He does good in all things!
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