This week has been somewhat tough for me. While I did not express it at the time, the last few weeks came with some tough news. Since November, we have stopped even thinking about the possibility of readoption of JP, even though his mom relinquished him again in September and he will likely live in foster care or an orphanage for the foreseeable future, perhaps his entire childhood. At this time, the DRC international adoption world is too volatile and our case too complicated. Just a few weeks ago, we found out that there were some ripples that could even affect JP's future at his current home. With that news came some emotions of fear and insecurity. Another small part of me that has begun to look for miracles in hardship thought, "Ripples could be a good thing. Although it looks scary at first, God works in the scary and unknown." And, I received a renewed fervor to pray.
Now, it seems that things have again gone silent, and the status quo remains. The status quo is okay--it's not optimal, but it is the best of a bad situation. But, sometimes I still get frustrated that we were the case that failed. Every family who went this road with us--even though they faced their own share of troubles--now has their little one(s) at home. Families who were behind us in the process are now starting to realize the fruition of all their waiting. I thought (and in my heart of hearts, still think) it was the best decision to pull back, to let things take their course; but, sometimes, I still struggle with the fact that if I had fought for him, he would be six months into a life in our family. I know this isn't Biblical or spiritual, but it is my human nature. So, while I do celebrate with other people who are celebrating, that doesn't mean the celebration doesn't come with a little bit of regret and loss and feelings of being pushed aside.
Tonight, my family and I read the Jesus Storybook Bible together (I highly recommend that book; it is amazing). Kate chose the story--The Frail Girl and the Elderly Woman. I had honestly forgotten the story and was halfway paying attention, when she got to a part that struck home with me.
The story comes from Luke 8:40-53. In the story, a man named Jairus went up to Jesus and asked Jesus to come home with him because his only daughter was dying. On the way to Jairus' home, an elderly woman touched Jesus' cloak, and His power immediately healed her. Jesus stopped. He turned around, questioned who touched him, and when he discovered it was the woman, confirmed that her faith had healed her. At that moment, someone came from Jairus' home and said, "Your daughter is dead. Don't bother the teacher any more."
I can imagine how Jairus might have been feeling at the time. The story doesn't focus on that moment, but today during Kate's Bible reading, I just stopped to think. Jesus was on the way to heal his only daughter. If this woman had not touched him, if Jesus had not stopped to inquire who she was, Jesus may have saved his daughter. But, in that instant, it seemed He was too late. I am certain that there was a moment in Jairus' heart where he, even if for just a moment, sank at the imperfect timing, where his anxiety got the best of him, where he celebrated at the miracle for the woman but he desperately wanted one for himself.
But, Jesus turned to Jairus and said, "Don't be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed."
Honestly, that is breathtaking. Right when Jairus was told it is hopeless, Jesus turned to him and said, "I am the One who gives you hope." Right when Jairus was told time had run out, Jesus turned to him and said, "I am not limited in my miracles." Right when Jairus was told his daughter had gone too far to be saved, Jesus turned to him and said, "There is nothing too far or too complicated or too late for me." And right when Jairus was told not to bother Jesus any more, Jesus turned to him and said, "Have faith, my child. I have miracles saved just for you."
